Dealing with loss: The diary of Bella Swan
by vasweetpea
Summary: Takes place after Edward leaves in New Moon. This is Bella's therapy diary. Give it a try you'll like it i swear! R


(A/N This is a random idea cause I'm random like that. Please review

(**A/N: I wanted to thank Project Team Beta for their help with this story. I am a beta for them but when I decided to write this story I knew they had to Beta it. And I was right because they kicked my but with this one. This finished story is dedicated to them. and we are looking for new Betas so if your interested come check us out)**

Disclaimer: I do not own…DUH!

**My name is Isabella Marie Swan. I'm 17 years old. This is my diary.**

**Yup. Ummmmm…. Ok so here is the real deal. 4 months ago something…. happened. My dad, being the overprotective guy he is, sent me to therapy after the…event. This diary is a result of that therapy. My therapist Mrs. Elie or Tee has she like me to call her, said that writing would help me. Yea, that's working out great. Ok I'm being a little harsh. I said I would try so this is me trying. Tee says to just write like I'm talking so that's what I'm doing. Ugh this is so hard. I came here to help me deal with a…loss. That's what Tee calls it. To me it was so much more. But I guess in order to understand completely I have to go back to the day he, Edw, (ok I'll stick to he for now no need to rush this right Tee) left…. Here goes nothing.**

_January 14, 2007_

I really do not want to do this. Why can't I just be left alone to wallow in my own self pity??!! Nothing new happened I have nothing to write OK Tee?!

_January 15, 2007 _

OK apparently I am to write every day until I have something "worthwhile". What kind of therapist says that? Every time I see a therapist on T.V. they always tell their patients not to worry, everything is a breakthrough. The whole " just you being here is a step." How did I get stuck with the one therapist who does not follow that logic? Just my luck!

_January 17, 2007_

THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING! WHY DO I HAVE TO DO THIS. IT HURTS, IT ACTUALLY HURTS TO PUT THIS MUCH EFFORT INTO ANYTHING! WHY WON'T YOU ALL JUST LEAVE ME ALONE; DO YOU NOT GET IT?! HOW ELSE CAN I SAY THIS, IT IS NOT WORTH IT WITHOUT HIM! DO YOU UNDERSTAND NOW?? JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!

_January 21, 2007_

Wow, apparently that last entry was a "breakthrough" huh, I guess you do know what your doing Tee. Sorry I doubted you. So, the reason I am writing today, after you so kindly lifted the once-a-day writing rule, is that I did something well different. Today Angela, a girl I go to school with, well we were friends, at least we were before everything happened. Well, I have not really talked to her in a few months but today I nodded my head when she said hi. Baby steps Tee, baby steps.

_January 27, 2007_

This week I was supposed put on paper how losing him made me feel. (Which I think is pointless but here goes nothing)….

Losing him made me feel…this is so stupid. Ugh, ok, let's try this again. Losing him made me feel like I died. Like there was nothing left to hang onto. I was crushed. Lost, scared, lonely, angry, grateful, relieved. I guess I never really thought about it. I mean, I felt lost and scared because he was my light at the end of the dark tunnel. He was my guide through life; He led the way. He was, perfect, and I, well I'm just Bella.

I was relieved, because I suppose I always knew it was too good to be true. I mean, looking back there were clues. Ok, maybe they weren't clues as much as big, fat neon signs with arrows and confetti. I never deluded myself into thinking I was good enough for him. I knew I was nowhere near pretty enough. As for all the little "quirks" of mine he pretended to love, like my clumsiness and obvious plain Jane appearance, I guess I always knew they would end us; so it was a relief that I didn't have to wait to long for the inevitable.

Even knowing all of that I was still crushed when he said those words to me,"_ Bella, I don't want you to come with me_." I still remember like it was yesterday, although in a way I suppose it was. I think my mind froze itself that day. One second I'm all alone in the woods, crying my eyes out, feeling like my soul was being ripped to pieces. Then all of a sudden it's January. What happened in between is all one big blur. I came out of whatever it was four months later. And only after my dad, Charlie, threatened to send me home. Therapy was our compromise. But I couldn't leave Forks. I was still clinging to the hope that he would come back. I knew time was passing; it was so insignificant. Without a soul, what was the point? And he was just that. My soul. My reason for living. He completed me. My clumsiness meant nothing because I knew he was always right next to me, waiting to catch me. I know, I know dependent much? But that was just how we were. And we were happy, at least I was happy. That day changed my life, no that's not right. That day in the woods ended my life. Without him I can no longer breathe. I'm just going through the motions, I guess. Every day I wake up shower, dress, eat and go to school. Then it's work, home or Dr. Elie's. No variation. This routine is all I have. I know Tee will ask "why is the routine so important to you" (See Tee I'm already figuring you out.) I really don't know the answer to that. I guess in part it's because I feel some sort of comfort knowing what each day will bring. I know no matter what school will be there. No matter what I'll come home. If all I have to depend on is me, where can I go wrong? Not letting anyone in is the only way to stay safe. If I never give anyone the opportunity they cannot hurt me. Right?

I was, and still am, grateful for the time he did give me. Those few short months were the best thing that will ever happen to me. Even with all that has happened I still can't bring myself to regret any of it. Every second was worth it. Even my near death experiences. They brought us closer. They made me happy. Every day he spent with me gave me hope, even if I was hoping in vain. Ignorance is bliss. And when I was with him I was blissed out. I could forget everything; there was nothing but him and I, Damn, I really was setting myself up for failure.

Although it took me a long time to realize it, his leaving made me angry. I mean, I might not be on his level but I am a person. He just threw me a way like I was trash. He moved on to another "distraction". He took all of them with him. How could he do that? He took my best friend away from me; he left me no one to get me through this mess. I wish I could hate him, but I can't. I still love him and that probably makes me the angriest, knowing at any point he can come back, and I would welcome him with open arms. Gosh, Tee has her work cut out for her. I'm clearly insane. I guess it's about time Bella has cracked. Is that what he wanted? He had to know I would never be ok with him leaving. How could he not?

Ok, I don't know where all that came from. Maybe Tee has a point with this writing stuff. Hmmmm….

Well I'm still not perfect but I guess that's ok. I think this might just work. One day I might be ok, I might learn to breathe again. Until I'll just have to keep dealing with the loss.

(A/N ok so that's it originally I planned on doing this has a big story but I don't know I just felt like a one shot was the way to go here. I wouldn't mind expanding it one day, review and let me know. That was my sneaky way of getting reviews!)

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